Spindle: A Fallen Fairytales Dark MM Romance by Sean Azinsalt

Author:Sean Azinsalt [Azinsalt, Sean]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2024-01-30T00:00:00+00:00

7

Lachlan

I’ve been flailing as I try to hold onto some semblance of the life I lead – real or not? The whispers I sometimes hear as if someone is talking quietly over my shoulder still happen and are now even more frequent. Shadows in the corner of my eye catch my attention, but when I turn to look, there is no one there. All I can think about is if I’m going crazy. There weren’t really any signs of schizophrenia or psychosis that I could see in my past. But now, all I do is second-guess everything I see or hear to the point where I feel crazy.

Honestly, I’m not even sure that I really do hear or see any of these things. The raven lying dead on the other side of my window pane, the glass wall I was trapped beneath – all of these things are signs of my reality unraveling, and all I can do is be horrified. Amber suggested I see a shrink, and to her credit – it was not a bad idea.

But I know there is an answer. There has to be. If not, then I am truly losing whatever grip I currently have on what is or is not real. That grip has been slippery, and I am sure I will eventually fall.

Reality? Mom made me think a lot about what that actually even meant. What if… What if what I feel in my heart is actually true, and this isn’t real? What if the boy, Pierre, was right? I fear he was right, and what does that even mean? I have spent my… life, if that is even the right word to use, living in what I always perceived as my reality – my real world – my life – so, why does that have to change? When is my reality, not my reality?

I should forget about it and try to move on as I ignore the ghostings of somewhere else. A dream world that seeps into my view on occasion does not have to shut me down and turn my world inside out, does it? No. I can make a decision not to let it. If I could just be stronger. If I could find something to keep me grounded.

For a young gay man in New York City, that meant finding someone to keep me grounded. The boy in my dreams was nothing more than a ghost. He was not real, even if he was the real person and I was the ghost – a sim in a virtual world. It’s still my world. I haven’t seen him since, anyway. So, what did it matter? We’re not… He was just a fantasy that filled the void of nothingness I was feeling. Now, I needed something else to fill that void.

That is how I found myself downtown, outside a place I had heard about but never been to. It hadn’t been my scene, but now, after everything, I was willing to change my mind and try it out.

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